In a masterful oration that drew comparisons to Winston Churchill, Napoleon, and Socrates, Volodymyr Zelenskyy affirmed to the world that he will not wear a suit.
Volodymyr Zelenskyy, war-time leader and fashion icon, made his first foreign trip since the brutal war with Russia began. Clad in an olive-green sweatshirt with the Ukrainian trident proudly displayed on the front and cargo pants, the Ukrainian president delivered a stirring speech before the U.S. Congress. The war between Ukraine and Russia was initially over resources and territory. But in recent months, the conflict has been revolving around Zelenskyy’s peculiar fashion sense. The United States and other NATO countries have vowed to support Zelenskyy’s democratic right to avoid wearing suits by any means necessary. Vladimir Putin has made it clear that he will not negotiate with Zelenskyy unless he wears a suit.
“The Russian terrorists want me to wear a suit? Why?” Zelenskyy wailed, “As a boy, my mother said that I looked handsome in a sweater. And I love my mom. I do not have to wear a suit. I will never wear a suit! Slava Ukraini!” he shouted to thunderous applause from both Houses of Congress.
“The Russian invaders wants to take all of my olive shirts, all of my green shirts, all of my brown shirts,” Zelenskyy lamented, “I will never let them do it. I will never surrender. There will be no compromise. I have the freedom to wear this green sweater. As you can see I am a symbol of freedom. Ukraine is a democracy.”
Zelenskyy also showed a lot of gratitude for the billions of dollars that the U.S. government has spent on his wardrobe since March 2022. “I almost lost the war in April when I ran out of green and brown shirts, pants, and boots,” a grateful Zelenskyy said, “I had one suit in my closet that I was afraid to wear. But thanks to the United States, I was able to avoid that. Thank you President Biden.”
On Thursday, President Joe Biden announced the U.S. will be providing an additional $1.85 billion in aid to support the purchase of more earth-toned shirts and military trousers for Zelenskyy as he continues to battle against Putin’s sartorial aggression.
“This is about democracy…American democracy. We will buy him more sweaters. We will buy him more military fatigues. If he wants to wear you know…a G-string, he should be able to do that for goodness sakes. I mean, come on. I think he would look great in tight black latex pants, but it’s his choice…his choice. Putin is a suit-wearing thug,” Biden affirmed with a clenched fist.
Putin, who is known to wear a suit and tie in public has repeatedly promised to end the war once Zelenskyy finally agrees to wear a suit. Putin reiterated that stance from the Kremlin hours after Zelenskyy’s speech before Congress. “If he wears a suit, the war will end. If he does not wear one, the war will continue,” Putin said.
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